I don't know if this is an American cultural thing, or a gendered communication thing or what, but I hear people say "I'm sorry ..." frequently and seemingly absentmindedly. "Sorry I'm late to this meeting." "Sorry I stepped on your foot." "Sorry I can't seem to get my act together." "Sorry I didn't do my share of the work for the project." Can you think of more examples to add to this list?
I want to encourage people to rethink/reword the "I'm sorry" sentiment into "Thank You" sentiments. These are my reasons why...
1) The appropriate response to Thank you is "You're welcome". It is relationship affirming. It means you are welcome to be as you are; I welcome your participation in our friendship. We give the gift of friendship to each other over and over. Of course you are welcome.
What is the appropriate response to "I'm sorry"? "That's ok"? Do you find yourself saying "that's ok" when it really isn't ok? While there is some social benefit to expressing apology sincerely, it is so much better to avoid hurting each other, even accidentally, right?
2) "I'm sorry" is passive aggressive. I am acknowledging that I hurt your feelings, or took more than my fair share, or de-prioritized your needs over mine, or broke a promise. And if I do it over and over, I'm setting that as the norm for our relationship. Soon I won't even have to say I'm sorry about it. Because I'm really not sorry. You're letting me get away with it, and I'm happy to do less work, or have more stuff for myself.
3) "I'm sorry" lends itself to self-centered thinking. I'm thinking about my situation, blah blah blah, without thinking of the rest of the context--how I got here, how it is affecting others.
4) I swear sometimes people seem to spend more time coming up with their elaborate apology than it would have taken to do the work in the first place. I don't want them to think of me as someone who needs their apology. I'd rather have a relationship based on a common goal, sharing resources, abating confusion, than a person not feeling like she or he can take and ask and make mistakes and be confused in a safe place.
5) "I'm sorry" is problem-focused. "Thank you" is solution-focused.
To return to the examples from the beginning (all of which I have had the opportunity to utter in the past few weeks), here are suggestions for rethinking the apologies into expressions of gratitude:
"Sorry I'm late to this meeting." --> "Thank you for your patience...someone stopped me in the hallway on my way here."
"Sorry I stepped on your foot." --> "Thanks for tolerating/appreciating my clumsiness as we learn this dance. Thanks for giving me another chance."
"Sorry I can't seem to get my act together."--> "My mind's been distracted by something, and I appreciate the way you keep us focused."
"Sorry I didn't do my share of the work for the project."-->"Thanks for explaining these complex concepts again--I think I'll be able to get these updates to you by Tuesday now."
"I'm sorry for eating the delicious plums." -->"Thanks for buying the delicious plums!" (Gotta love William Carlos Williams)
Rewording these sentiments into 'thank you's also reminds me of the thing I am doing for which I normally would be apologizing (is an excuse a synonym for apology?). Now I see it, state it, and perhaps can make better choices to prevent it from happening in the future. Am I tired because I haven't been getting enough sleep? Do I not have my work done because I am avoiding it? Am I avoiding it because I don't understand it? Because I don't have all the resources? With stating these concerns as thank yous, I can start to ask for additional information, clarification or resources to help me do my stuff better.
I believe we really do want to help each other. I try to say thank you several times a day, partly because I think it is satisfying for people to have the opportunity to say 'you're welcome.' They have something to offer that I appreciate, and I acknowledged it. It also helps me to focus my gratitude on the myriad blessings and supportive people in my life. What we focus on expands.
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