The hang, the art, the $

Decisions are sometimes hard to make.  Heuristics can help.
Here is an example of a heuristic for deciding whether or not to take a job.

When making a decision to take or not take a gig, at least two of these three criteria must be present:

1) Good people. Do you enjoy hanging out with them?  Would you consider them friends?
2) The music (or the professional opportunity, the quality of the work, etc).  Is this beautiful, challenging, satisfying?  Career advancing?
3) The money. 

I can live with any combination of two of the three:

Good people + good music=I could do it for free.
Good music + good money=I can tolerate working with jerks.
Good money and good people=I might tolerate working at Disneyland.

Of course, all three=awesomeness.

Future song

My dear friend Megan visited me this week in Alamosa and reminded me of how we used to play a game.  I'd write a poem/song lyrics each Thursday, and she'd set them to music by the following week.  We'd get together to share the music and start the cycle over anew. 

We went to Milagros coffee shop, which has a policy of serving free coffee to patrons who play a song on the piano.  She surprised me by playing one of our co-written songs, which inspired me to start sending her lyrics again.  Here is this week's installment.  I'll post a wave file of the audio when I get it.

It's ok to be a little ridiculous Soulfully exposed Sap is rising Full of love Lots of thoughts spinning in my head Desires Beautiful people Exquisite restraint Fingertips brushing against each others' Eyes meeting So close I can smell his hair, his hat Almost can touch the curve of his spine His hair curls at the nape of his neck Sunlight marks highlights Breathe deeply. Inhale. Smiles and kindnesses and jokes and compliments. And complements--completing things. Move wordlessly. His silhouette standing with his weight over one leg hand reaching absently into his pocket, one fluid motion. Producing the tool needed for the job Hands smoothing over the surface His tongue working as he concentrates, licking his lip. We do things the right way. Even if it takes more time is more expensive is overdone. We give each other the gift of our time. These acts of service, words of praise and Encouragement. We catch up. We reconnect.

Bee Girl

My idea for a graphic novel...

Mild-mannered beekeeper is stung by one of her bees and develops super powers.  The super powers include the ability to build community through better communication and shared resources, helping people recognize we're all connected in this big hive of life.

Gah.  It is already written: Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)

Detachment and Entanglement

I spent part of the week at a conference on "Engagement:"  engaging our students, engaging faculty to connect with students, engaging the academy with the community, engaging scholarship with solving "real-world" problems.  Now I don't want to go to grad school anymore.

More importantly, I thought about other senses of engagement, including romantic entanglement.

I've been choosing activities and communities that validate detachment:

1) Work.  Work, work, work.  If I'm willing to work weekends, work at night, work through crises, I'm hired.  Or not fired. 

2) Travel.  If I'm far away, I can't be expected to pick up the sick kid from daycare, etc.

3) Relocate. If I live 1000 miles away from family, I'm not expected to get entangled in day-to-day drama.

4) Head space.  If I live in my head, I can justify just about any behavior to suit my wants.

And then there's Charles.  Charles.  Charles said to me, "Karen, a significant relationship makes life experiences relevant.  We need a special person to share our lives with, to celebrate our accomplishments with." 

Damn. 

40

I just turned 40, which means I survived my thirties.

It was a good decade, and I see the beginnings of another on the horizon.

Things I learned from my thirties:

• I turned 30 in Fall 2001, in the months just after "September 11th." I was working at a Muslim school in Aurora, CO that year.  I learned a lot about Islam that year as well as the extent to which Americans can scapegoat a community.  I learned about a culture that valued teachers and that showered us with fabulous feasts.  I also learned something about myself: even though every member of my family suggested I quit working at that school, I decided to continue to work with the children, that I wouldn't make a decision based on fear for myself.
• In 2002, Kevin and I married, perhaps to make our relationship acceptable to the catholic school who had offered me a job that spring.  Perhaps not the best decision I've ever made, but certainly my relationship with Kevin and his family deeply enriched my life, and I am grateful for the many years that we were together and our continued relationships today.
• In 2003, Kevin and I divorced. And got back together, and split up and got back together again.  It took me a while to learn that lesson, and we split up for good in 2009.
• In 2004, I began my entrepreneurial years.  I started an editing business and volunteered public relations work for The Other Side Arts, a non-profit art center based in Denver. I learned a bit about managing a non-profit through order and chaos, and learned even more about how to frame my own experiences in relation to others' professional needs, ie self-promotion.  I saw myself as a contractor to the colleges where I taught, rather than as a faculty member, as I was "full-time/part-time." I also realized this freed me to think of myself as a freelancer to multiple agencies, multiple colleges.  I also took advantage of learning as much as I could through my social networks and the professional development opportunities that were available to me through the colleges and through CANPO (Colorado Association of Non-Profit Organizations). I started having monthly lunches with inspiring women entrepreneurs. It was a stimulating growth period.
• In 2006, I learned doing 'scary' things with other people makes them less scary.  Kevin and I moved to the San Luis Valley in Colorado, something I had wanted to do for a long time.  We made the big decisions involved in uprooting our lives from one area to another.  I'm grateful to him for doing that process with me; I can't speak for him, but I certainly acknowledge that I'm a better person for having made the move.  I've experienced the blessings of stability as I've grounded myself in my new community.  I think I would have been too afraid of the risk of moving as one person, with one tentative income. Thank you, Kev, for being with me during that time.
• In the five years I've been at Adams State College and in the Alamosa area I've grown so much professionally.  I've had the time and resources to research and test best practices in Developmental Education.  I've learned more about writing grants.  I've developed habits that promote my overall health including daily walking and yoga and eating healthier.  I also carve out time daily for writing and reflection.  I bought a home. I make music and spend time with dear friends.  I stopped coloring my hair.  I snowboard regularly.
• I see family on my own terms.  I'm not afraid of losing their positive regard. I'm getting better at owning my competencies, talents, gifts.  I'm getting better at listening for my 'voice.'

What I anticipate my 40s will bring:

• graduate school
• writing projects
• more memories of good times with family and friends

Dad's adoption story, radical idea #1

In 1946 my father was adopted by a family who had given him some clues about who his birth mother might be. After his parents passed away, dad began to search in earnest for his birth family.  In 1993 he tracked down his birth mother, and we all had a big family reunion. 

One of the first things my grandmother urged me to do was to write about this story.  It's been almost twenty years and I'm still trying to wrap my head around how to do this.  So, today I'm starting with blog posts on different sub-stories and hoping the whole picture will eventually emerge.

Sub-story 1

Grandma (Dorothy Marie Johnson) was a nurse.  This famous V-J day photo taken in August 1945 in Times Square is part of the way she tells her story.  My dad was conceived just a few weeks after this photo was taken (though this sailor and nurse are clearly not his parents).  Grandma uses this image to explain the spirit of the time which swept her up and led events.

 According to my grandmother, the man who was my dad's father (ie the babydaddy) was a sailor stationed at Great Lakes Naval Station near Chicago named Chuck Johnson.  She met him at a church bowling party in Kenosha, WI in fall 1945.  They went on a date, one thing led to another, and she became pregnant.  When she wrote to him letting him know her situation, the letter was returned unopened marked "Return to Sender: Deceased."

She was devastated, and began the process of putting the baby up for adoption.  She hid her pregnancy from her family, and spent the last months of her pregnancy in Madison, WI, where she gave birth. 

I began researching the father immediately in 1993, but was discouraged by my aunt who said if I found information that upset my grandmother it would be horrible.  [This theme of "keeping the secret," "saving face," "preserving reputations" keeps coming up]  I stopped the search for over a decade, but two years ago decided I could find the answers and then CHOOSE whether or not to share it with my grandmother.  It's my story, too.

So in 2010 I made a trip to Chicago to visit the Newberry Library genealogy stacks, the National Archives and the Great Lakes Naval Museum.  Many helpful people (I love librarians) gave me many ideas, but no conclusive answers.  I read through the accident logs from the Naval base during the months in which my dad would have been conceived, and there was no record of a Charles Johnson, or Chuck Johnson, being injured or dying.

I like pretty libraries.  And Chicago architecture.

A librarian at the Chicago Public Library turned me on to the social security death index database, which is amazing.  In it, I found 66 Charles and Chuck Johnsons, who fit the criteria I was looking for.  It also gave me date of birth and social security number for each of them. 

With this fantastic list in hand, I contacted the military personnel records archive in St Louis, MO .  I called and said "I have a list of SSNs and DOBs for Charles Johnsons.  Can you tell me which one (or two or ?) of them was stationed at Great Lakes Naval Station in Fall 1945?" And the voice on the other end of the line was silent.  "No ma'am.  I cannot.  That's not the way we work."

Why not?  I know why not.  If every kid across the planet who thought their daddy was a GI could get confirmation from the US government, there'd be a lot more child support checks issued.  He wasn't going to make this easy for  me.

So here's radical idea #1.  The Armed Forces already collects DNA from entering service members.  When I joined the Army in 1989, I had many shots and blood draws over the course of my Military Entrance Processing.  If the military wanted to promote responsible behavior of its service members (insert radical paradigm shift), they could store DNA for the purpose of confirming paternity for any claims that may come in the future, and make this policy well known during the indoctrination process.  This information could also be used in criminal cases (rape or other crimes leaving DNA evidence at the scene).

I can hear the drill sergeant now:  "Alright recruits [maggot puke, etc]! Welcome to the Army [Navy, Coast Guard, Marines, Air Force].  Notice the abundance of free condoms everywhere you turn, in your meal packs, where you pick up your paycheck, in restrooms, everywhere.  Carry a handful with you.  Prevent disease; prevent pregnancy. It's the right thing to do.  And if any mothers or children of your union(s) come forward with DNA evidence confirming that you're the babydaddy, your pay will be docked to support that child.  Simple.  Want to keep more of your paycheck?  Have fewer children.  Wear condoms.  Now drop and give me twenty!"

In the mean time, I'm sending requests one at a time for each of the 66 names.

Making Mead

Saturday, October 22, 2011.  The beginning of a new tradition.

Trudi and John invited wonderful people to their home for a mead making day.  A year from now we'll gather again to taste our projects and start the next batch.

Bottles washed, honey measured.

Honey from local produces Haefli and Soffel and a variety of yeasts made the recipe.  We harvested no honey this year from our bees.  Maybe next year.  Earlier that day I winterized three strong hives though, sliding "bee cozies," two inch foam boxes, over them to insulate them from the -30 degree chill.  I also arranged straw bales in a wind break.

Contemplating the love letters...

Probably the most important 'ingredient' was the intention we set for each bottle.  Elaine, fermenter extraordinaire, writes "love letters" for each batch of kefir, kim chee, and kombucha, having read Masuro Emoto's work related to the formation of water crystals under the influence of water, pictures and music. According to Emoto, sending positive messages to water influences its symmetry of crystals and beauty.  Elaine explained that the two most beneficial sentiments to express were love and gratitude. 

Lavender from Chris Keitges' garden. Instead of using commercially prepared yeast, I added the lavender and its coating of naturally occurring local yeasts as the inoculant for my batch.  Thank you, Chris!

I have many sentiments of love and gratitude for this mead.  I'm grateful to John and Tom of Haefli Honey for welcoming the San Luis Valley WannaBeekeepers to tour their honey house facility last summer and for the bottle of honey we each received as a memento of our trip.  I am grateful to Tracy Doyle for joining me on that trip and suggesting making a lavender mead.  I'm grateful to Chris Keitges for giving me some lavender from her garden to add to the mead.  I'm grateful to Patrick O'Neill and his family's grapes and raisins which are nourishing the yeast.  And I'm deeply grateful to the friends with whom I made the mead who host our bees on their wonderful organic farm.

Lavender mead

By then end of the evening, my bottle was covered with love letters.  They included "Thank you little friends... bees and yeasties!" and "Bee Kind to your Honey!"

Time to say something

Exciting times, communication-wise.  Occupy Wall Street and elsewhere, people are finding their voices to express themselves.

This week, I've had a few opportunities to speak up.  Sometimes it is a difficult decision for me, when to say something--should I let it ride, or do I have a responsibility to speak up?  One definition for leadership from NCEE says that we need to take responsibility for what matters to us.  So, I find the courage to speak up.

A friend who is in a new romantic relationship (one month) describes how her boyfriend wants to relocate to her city and move in with her.  I hear reluctance in her voice, even as she's describing the great sex and how flattered she is that he's "willing to move for her."  Disclaimer: I'm perhaps the worst person to give relationship advice, having divorced as many times as I've married.  But perhaps I've learned a thing or two about rushing into relationships, and I felt compelled to send her a message asking "Is that what you really want?"  I hoped it wasn't too "butt-in-ski" of me, and she said it wasn't. 

The Big Potato Dig

October 1st, 2011 Big Potato Dig at Ortega farm north of Alamosa, CO

Agronomist Patrick O'Neill invited me and several others to help hand dig potatoes from his research plot north of Alamosa, CO.   He is studying the impact of different soil conditions, amendments to the soil, etc on the nutrients in the potatoes. Because the potatoes in the different conditions needed to be kept separate from each other, it required hand digging and bagging them for weight.  He was also measuring the pounds of potatoes produced per 10 foot section of row.  Most of the potatoes were grown under organic conditions, but he also used the farmer's conventionally grown potatoes as the control condition for the study.  We were delighted to find worms in the soil; apparently, that is a pretty big deal here in the sandy soils of the San Luis Valley.  Somebody did something right with compost.

Volunteers dig the potatoes by hand to record how many pounds of potatoes are produced per ten foot row in each of the experimental conditions for the study.

Yukon Golds have pink eyes. Note the bits of straw in the soil--this helps with the worm hospitability.

It was a fun morning of chatting with other organically minded, local food-ies.  I worked a row with an organic farmer with blue hair, and we talked about beekeeping and GM canola.  Genetically modified canola, which is the only kind of canola allowed to be grown in the valley due to some legal weirdness, kills bees according to Tom Haefli, local commercial beekeeper.  He won't put his bees on canola fields, but California beekeepers will.

By lunch, we had bagged several samples.

You can't get much more local than this delicious lunch comprised of a roasted pumpkin from the nearby field, as well as potatoes (surprised?), spinach and Kretsinger beef.  Old timers told stories of sling-shotting rabbits while picking potatoes for  meat-and-potatoes field lunch.

It felt good to connect with people who not only believe in organic, sustainable food production, but who are doing something about it.  I was also happy to read today about a thirty-year study in Canada that shows that "organic farming outperformed conventional farming in every measure." 

Old-school earthen potato storage shed

After the potatoes are harvested by hand for the study, the farmer will harvest the rest of them by machine for donation to La Puente Homeless Shelter in Alamosa/the food bank network of the San Luis Valley.  Instead of giving them thousands of pounds all at once, the farmer will store them in an old-school earthen potato storage shed and deliver potatoes throughout the winter months.

The Privilege of Stability

Privilege derives its roots from Latin, roughly a "private law" that applies to some but not all people.
Stability ... I like the fourth and fifth definitions quoted here from dictionary.com:

4.Chemistry . resistance or the degree of resistance to chemical change or disintegration.

5.resistance to change, especially sudden change or deterioration: The stability of the economy encourages investment.

Today I write about  resistance to disintegration and resilience. 

I attempt within these essays to weave together idea strands from the multiple facets of my life.  Privilege of Stability has been on my mind lately relative to my work with students with low test scores and the faculty who teach them.

Students with Low Test Scores/Developmental Education

My academic area is Developmental Education, which has also been known as remedial, pre-collegiate, college-prep, and probably other less flattering names (ie "dummy English").  The name of the discipline itself suffers from destabilization as people want new words to describe it once others realize what we're talking about and the word acquires stigma.  I am talking about students who arrive at college with low test scores in reading, writing, and/or math.  There can be many causes for these low test scores: high schools that didn't adequately prepare the students perhaps, but also being away from the subject(s) for any amount of time due to serving in the military or caring for family members or being in a career. We also have students who are English Language Learners, whose facility with English is the main barrier to understanding the directions on the tests and/or the content, many of whom are graduates of US high schools and therefore are not required to take the TOEFL for admission to college (Test of English as a Foreign Language).  We also have students with diagnosed and undiagnosed disabilities including learning disabilities like dyslexia and acalculia as well as physical, mental and cognitive disabilities.

In additional to the destabilizing forces of low preparation, changing careers/activities, struggles with the language of instruction/assessment, and/or diagnosed or undiagnosed disabilities, there may be additional destabilizing forces such as low socio-economic status, health challenges, transportation challenges, childcare challenges, off-campus jobs, family obligations, substance addiction challenges, motivational deficits, and even institutionalized discrimination related to ethnicity-race/class/gender/identity.  Perhaps you can start to see that developmental education is messy: high-need students who tend to have low course success rates, low GPAs, low graduation rates.  They also tend to have dramatic attendance challenges, to "drop off the face of the earth," and sometimes return several semesters later with amazing stories of incarceration, car accidents, family obligations, taking care of things they had to do, which were more important than completing the semester.  They want to succeed, and earnestly hope that they'll get the alfalfa harvest in by next weekend so they can come back and take those exams they missed, for example.

I feel fortunate that I graduated from high school in the same district that I started kindergarten.  I benefited from a coherent math curriculum, for example, that was planned to teach students math facts in third grade that laid a foundation for math concepts to be taught in fourth grade.  For students who experience moving from district to district, or who are out of school for long periods of time due to health problems or whatnot, they may have gaps in key concepts. Many find a good way of coping, but they are set up to struggle with math or other subjects for the rest of their education.

To compound their challenges, developmental students are often taught by the least prepared and least-supported faculty: adjunct, contingent, part-time, untenurable faculty.  90% of developmental courses in Colorado are taught by contingent faculty.  Both students and faculty are marginalized, and administrators are reluctant to dedicate resources and time to solving the big complicated challenges that have less return on investment than the college's other responsibilities.  Messy.

I must also mention the social justice impact of supporting developmental education.  Students in my classes tend to represent ethnic minority groups (70.2% in dev ed courses; the campus-wide rate is closer to 40%), tend to be first generation students whose parents haven't graduated from college (63.4%), and tend to be Pell grant eligible, indicating from low SES family/support (74%) more than non-developmental students.  There were 287 graduates in May of 2011, and 88 (30%) of them took one or more developmental courses at ASC.  If we didn't have developmental coursework as a "gentle pathway" into or back into higher education, we would have dramatically fewer college graduates.

Faculty Professional Development and Stability

The Colorado Association for Developmental Education (CoADE) is in a position to offer scholarships to faculty to attend conferences and/or the Kellogg Institute.  I was developing an application process for these scholarships last week, and recognized my bias toward "stable" faculty: one criteria for scholarship eligibility points is "Are you presenting at the conference you'll be attending?"  I'm grateful that I've worked for the same college for several years in the same discipline.  I've learned the seasons of the call for proposals for the major conferences in dev ed, and have been able to plan ahead to submit proposals several months in advance of the conference.  New faculty, faculty who are "Road Scholars" teaching at multiple schools in a region, faculty trained in other disciplines who are making ends meet by teaching dev ed courses... they sometimes receive little to no faculty orientation or resources, and not surprisingly teach for one semester and are out the next.  There are some colleges that have 100% turnover of developmental faculty from semester to semester.  There are even colleges with MORE than 100% turnover since low paid, low supported faculty sometimes have no problem leaving in the middle of a semester for a better job.  These are extreme examples, and I'm very grateful that we've had a fairly stable group of faculty at Adams State.  However, my point is that it is a blessing, a privilege, to be able to be in one place long enough to get business cards printed, a phone number that doesn't change from year to year, a mailing and email address to receive those calls for proposals for conferences that tie us into our academic communities.  It's a blessing to be in a place long enough to work on bigger projects, to develop one's vision, identity and reputation.

Stability and choices

I used to be in a destabilizing relationship.  Eventually I made the decision to leave that situation, and I've been mindful of choosing relationships that promote stability, recognizing that a lot of relationships create at worst abuse and chaos and at best "opportunities for compromise." One need not look further than the the domestic abuse shelter to see people experiencing extreme destabilization related to families and/or partnerships. Relationships can be destabilizing, but so can ending them.  Divorce is a destabilizing force.  In addition to relationship destabilization, sleep patterns, time management, balance of activities, stress, substance use/abuse and diet/exercise choices can lead to more or less stability in one's life.  This semester I've been talking with my students about "using the present to plan the future" and want to draw their attention to the types of behaviors that can lead to stable jobs, stable relationships, stable health and quality of life.

Stability and choices I don't control

There are also destabilizing forces I cannot control.  Health, for example. A friend posted on facebook about his challenges with not being able to afford health insurance.  A barrage of cruel posts from "friends" indicated they thought he was a failure for not buying health insurance, that he was a parasite on society, that he deserved any calamities he might experience. While I like to think of myself as the "master of my fate," I have to recognize destabilizing forces outside of my control.  Health insurance tied to one's employment is a dumb system.  More than half of medical bankruptcies involve people who WERE insured before they were injured or became sick, who later lost work-related insurance and racked up their astronomical bills.  Even when we make healthy lifestyle and diet choices, environmental toxins or just plain "bad luck" could lead to cancers or accidents caused by other people. 

Stability and sacrifice

If you've enjoyed the privilege of stability throughout your childhood, it probably involved the sacrifice of others.  The traditional nuclear family--mom, dad, and kids--generally required sacrifices from both parents in order to provide stability for the kids.  Generally, moms did more sacrificing behaviors to preserve the stability of marriage as well as to provide the most stable home life and schooling for the kiddos. Their career choices and types of responsibilities women are willing to take on at work are still often second priority after her family and as a consequence have real economic impact on the salaries that married women earn.  Women today face a big challenge regarding stability and sacrifice: having children, even wearing an engagement ring to a job interview, has consequences for her employability.  When a woman marries and/or has children, she's generally setting herself up to sacrifice her own ambitions for the benefit of creating stability for others.  Somebody's got to be willing to miss opportunities at work to instead take care of a sick child, or relocate to a different city for a spouse's promotion.  I'm using women in these examples, but certainly many men are also finding themselves taking care of children as stay-at-home dads or single parents or the spouse of a professional.

Yoga and Bees

Yoga promotes at least two kinds of stability: stability of muscles/balance, and discipline of mind. 

Bees... I'm so grateful to have a relationship with the owners of the organic farm which allows my bees to have a non-destabilizing diet of unpesticided nectar.  Having healthy bees in our environment promotes overall food stability.

In closing, I'm bringing before your eyes examples of privilege. I feel privileged to have a stable job, stable relationships and to some degree stable health care.  I see students and colleagues who are experiencing less stability than I have, and I'm humbled by how I could easily be in similarly destabilizing situations (a car accident, a layoff) and feel I should use my privilege to expand the privilege of stability to all.

This is what inter-agency collaboration looks like:

Locks locked to locks...this is how the Forest Service, the BLM, the National Park Service, private land owners who have "in holdings"only accessible by this road and others? are able to access the restricted road to this magical place.

I had a fantastic weekend of work at the Duncan Cabin, just north of Great Sand Dunes National Park.  HistoriCorps in partnership with Volunteers for Outdoor Colorado in partnership with the BLM, the SLVPLC, the National Park Service, the Forest Service, Fish and Wildlife, and let's throw in AmeriCorps and Adams State College ... worked on restoration of this historic cabin.

I so felt like a country girl, making a corral of all things, at this place.

Kevin Rockey, of Western Mountain Youth Services, after a long day of corral building

I <3 Historic Preservation

Forest Service Archaeologist, Angie Krall, gave the volunteers a history lesson about John Duncan and his cabin.  I loved the integration of history, archaeology, geology, and construction principles in this project.  We even identified and sampled edible plants!  And we started each day with yoga stretches and "waterfall" hydration games, so I don't feel too physically sore from my workation.

 
We discussed multiple perspectives of "land owners" of this place: the Luis Maria Baca land grant from 1600s Spain, the treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo which apparently invalidated the land grant's right to claim (because it was in Spanish?), John Duncan's (the cabin builder) claim for the mining rights (he found some gold nuggets in the nearby hills), his "sale" of nearby plots of land (which didn't really give the buyers the right to ownership), the US Supreme Court decision to award ownership to the San Luis Valley Cattle Company, rather than the people who thought they owned the cabins and land on which they built them. The US Marshalls forcibly evicted those people in the early 1900s by blowing up their cabins. John Duncan's cabin is the only one that remains.

Angie Krall also explained this place's location on the Spanish Trail, from Santa Fe to Los Angeles, and the native peoples who inhabited this place for the past 11,000 years. 

Since the place had been in private hands for the last several decades, there are lots of bits of glass, even shoe leather from the cobbler.  At one point the town of Duncan may have had 3000 residents, a stage coach line, and maybe even a telegraph link.  Now it is a ghost town, with one lovely preserved cabin.

I'm hoping Jonas Landes, the HistoriCorps program manager, will develop summer internships for college students for next summer.  Through partnerships with the multiple agencies, HistoriCorps was able to provide meals (organic!  local!) and even local BEER to appropriately aged volunteers.  We also had a safe place to camp. (note: there was a strange vehicle (white truck, no agency logo) that came on the site between 3:30 and 5 am on Sunday, without its lights on...)

When the cabin is finished, anyone can make a reservation at this fantastic place through Recreation.gov  for about $30-60/night and enjoy lovely views like this:

Great Sand Dunes National Park, from the north

This is my first rodeo.

I love the western expression, "This ain't my first rodeo."  It has all the cowboy cool of "hey, I know what I'm doing" with plenty of swagger and confidence.

Cowboy, including cool, swagger and confidence.

And of course, sometimes we say it even when it is our first rodeo. Sometimes it's better to fake it until we make it, to feign competence until we attain it.

Cowgirl, also confident, slightly less swagger.

Real Cowgirl, who is so confident she doesn't even need a hat or swagger.  And she's actually working with Cows, near San Francisco Creek, Colorado.

And, sometimes it's good to confess I have no idea what I'm doing.  Help me. The trick, of course, is knowing which attitude to take when.

Skipping the opportunity to be creepy?

I've been thinking about "Creepiness".  What makes something/someone creepy?  I think it has something to do with degrees of intimacy.  If you're a close friend or lover, I'll tolerate all sorts of stuff.  If I've just met you, or you're a stranger, that behavior/comment will be creepy.

Let's make a list of things that are potentially creepy:

"I like the way you smell." --Uttered by a female friend while shopping for perfumes, less creepy.  Uttered by a stranger (of any gender) on the bus/at work, creepy.

"You wore that dress two weeks ago, too!" --well, maybe that's always creepy.  Are you keeping a calendar, Stalker McStalkerson?

I wanna "crowdsource" the rest of this blog entry.  What are other creepy scenaria?

So as to appear less creepy, I try to monitor my comments and behaviors, frequently skipping the opportunity to be creepy.  If we're foursquare friends, and I notice you're at the same place a lot, how creepy is it for me to comment to you in person about it?  I suppose the purpose of social media, especially this location-based tech like foursquare and scvngr, is meant to foster that kind of intimacy. So maybe we should embrace this opportunity to be more intimate, to tie together our lives and experiences?

Triangles

Triangles, Triangulation, Triads... three things, three ideas, three people in relation to each other.  Dyads turning into Triads.  Dynamic tension and creativity, possibilities within boundaries, and new frontiers...

Three things...I now have three hives of bees.  As soon as I finish this blog post, I'll head out to the farm to see how they are doing.  Two hives are of one style; the third is different.  I will compare the three throughout the season.  I'm eager to see how they interact with each other. There is strength in numbers, and I'm hopeful that if there are any problems I can combine and recombine the three into new possibilities (possibili-bees?).

Three ideas.... Talking with a friend yesterday, he kept posing either/or questions, seemingly like he predecided the answers for me.  I kept having to rephrase the question into one I could answer.  This is my example of the dynamic tension between twos and threes--he was pulling the conversation in one direction--either or--and I wanted to insert my own perspective--the third.  I'm sure there is a musical connection here, too--the one and the five of a triad, with the third (major or minor?) determining more meaning.

Three people, third wheel, the other "other", three examples of three triads... Two friends plus a new friend equals jealousy, comparison.  Potential for more fun, but also for toxic triangulation, positioning, gossiping. A stable pair, with a third wheel, disrupts balance, brings attention to the stability. The other "other", the grass is greener; I see more with him because I saw with him.

Sigh of relief

good news... I got my test results, and they were "negative" which is positive.  Negative for cancer.  Huge sigh of relief.

Good news!

Quick update ... got test results and all is well. Thanks for the well wishes :)

Bee update and more 6/12/2011

Checked on the hive established at John and Trudi Kretsingers' on Thursday. They are so super mellow, and seemingly without queen.  My mind has been trying to work out what it means...perhaps the old queen absconded with a bunch of bees and they are raising out a new queen. I didn't even wear gloves or my bee suit.

The raised knobby cells look like drone cells or queen cells. I'm hoping queen cells.

Another bee photo...I'm in Taos this weekend for the wedding of Brian Rauscher and Justin Wheeler at El Monte Sagrado.  Here are some happy honey bees on lavender at this fabulous resort.  The weather is beautiful, warm, breezy.  The flowers are blooming.  An excellent setting for this happy event.

And more bee news this week: Jen Johnson, sometime bee partner of mine, moved two of our four hives to the Kretsinger farm for me yesterday.  We started beekeeping together in 2009, but it was difficult to share responsibilities and decision making.  I'm thinking our challenges were similar to how a beehive can only have one queen.  :)

And a tangential health update... Wednesday I had a biopsy of a very small dot on my cervix.  I should have results tomorrow and will give an update here.  I'm feeling good, upbeat, hopeful that the results will be good, and even if they're not as good, I'm upbeat, hopeful about the next course of action based on the results.

Magnifying your Brilliance

I met a marketing person at a beekeeping class in Crestone, CO, this weekend who saw her work as "magnifying others' brilliance." Awesomeness.

As I left the office today, I said to my colleague, Jamie, "Not only do we get to make our own dreams come true, but we get to help others make their dreams come true.  How cool is that?"

Things are getting busy. I've got some travel coming up in the next several months: Taos, Denver, New York, Green River, UT, Atlanta, Milwaukee/Oconomowoc.  There are multiple situations that are potentially in a state of simultaneous meltdown at work, which may or may not work themselves out without my intervention.  Good things are happening, too: grant money flowing in, love affirmations, creative collaborations, work created, students learning, bees humming.

I'm feeling that as I get more busy, I want to write more.  It helps me think, helps me be. I am thrilled when I can think my way through a problem to a solution, and I can think of two situations where my solution help may have a real impact on other peoples' lives.

I'm also loving on myself.  At the bee workshop, I saw this beautiful Kenya-style top-frame hive.  It looks like a musical instrument to me.  It is now mine.

Make it easy to say yes.

Similar to my post about 'thank you' versus 'I'm sorry'...

When asking for things, I find it helpful to literally phrase the question in such a way as to make it easy for the person I'm asking to say yes.  That is to say, if I can do legwork ahead of time, find the reasons why it is a benefit to support my plan, how the money spent will actually save money in the long run, etc, then I feel like I have a better chance of persuading my reader to agree and accept my proposed solution as the default solution.  Of course, he/she can propose a counter-solution, which I welcome, but which also requires them to exert effort through research, time, energy.

An example: we have a new instructor teaching reading and writing this fall at ASC.  Kris, my awesome coworker, recently realized that no one probably has talked to her about what textbooks to order for the Fall.  Ordering textbooks can be a time consuming pain, especially the first time one teaches a class.  I suggested Kris email her with the following: "Hi Lillian, I'm about to order my textbooks for fall [insert titles/ISBNs] and was wondering if you would like me to order enough for your sections as well?"
What I love about this approach is that we are more likely to get the textbook order done quickly. Often decisions are delayed because they take a block of time to concentrate, or the decision maker doesn't know where to start, or it isn't his/her first priority.  Lillian will be traveling for the month of June. By giving her an already prepared default plan, an email to which she can simply reply "oh, thanks, that would be great!", we can get her books ordered and help her check that task off her to-do list, a task she hadn't even added to the list yet.

How can we solve other peoples' problems while solving our own? 

Bee update May 27, 2011

Friday evening I checked on the bees at KW Farms.  I was worried because I had called Trudi a few times to ask about the bees and she hadn't returned my calls.  I know farmers in May are very busy, so that was understandable that she wouldn't have a moment to make a phone call.  She did get a chance to call me Friday morning, but said she hadn't seen any bees on her new flowers that she planted.  I prepared myself for the worst, which is to say, I prepared myself to find an empty hive box.

A few minutes after Trudi's call, I received another call, this one from my doctor with results from some lab tests earlier in the week.  She wanted me to come in for more tests and transferred me to the scheduler.

How are these two phone calls related?  I will attempt to explain how my attitude towards these bees and towards my health are related.

But I'll contextualize it with yet another digression. 

Card making.  Two years ago, I started making greeting cards with my friend Ellen and some other ladies.  This hobby drives me crazy and yet teaches me patience.  I sit with these women, gluing bits of paper together, lining up stamps to be centered and straight.  And then I silently curse at myself when the bits of paper get crinkled, or the stamp is off-center and crooked.  I glare at my creation, thinking how a kindergartner might have done a better job.  Then we pass around examples of our work, and the ladies comment on the beautiful color combinations I chose, or the neat way I did X, which they had never seen before.

My point is that I have a tendency to focus on the negative first, to critically analyze, before appreciating the whole, or seeing the good parts of the big picture.

I did this behavior when I first opened the hive.  Here is what I saw:

So, yes, there are bees, but very few bees.  Damn, I thought.  They're dying.  They're weak.  Bothe Kretsinger, Trudi and John's son, was with me so I talked in a stream-of-consciousness way as we examined the hive.  (I may very well have talked to myself had I been alone, I'm not afraid to admit). As I talked through my anxiety, my fears, I started to realize a few things, started to observe the positive things going on in this hive.  For one, the bees were putting away some honey.  This is an excellent sign.  There are flowers from which they are foraging.  A second positive observation was that they were mellow, "queenright" as beekeepers say, meaning that they weren't freaking out/spazzy because the wasn't a laying queen sending out the right pheromones. 

Once I started to see the positives, I started thinking from a positive frame of reference.  I did some math.  Since I installed the bees on May 7th, no eggs could have been laid prior to that date.  It had only been 20 days, and worker bee gestation is about 21 days.  So, the very first bee eggs laid would just be hatching later this week, while the worker bees who navigated the swarm process would have had to have been older, fully mature-winged bees, meaning they were nearing the end of their life cycle, and starting to die.  It would make sense that there would be a window of time, this week specifically, when good things were happening in the hive (wax production, honey production, thousands of eggs being laid and tended to) with a general decrease in the overall number of bees and bee activity.

Bothe with the bees

As I drove off from the farm, I wept.  I was so happy to see these bees, so afraid that they were dead or dying, so focused on the negative that I forgot to look to the positive, to the things going well.  I worry too much.  I put too much emphasis on the success or failure of every hive, that it means *I* am a success or failure. And since I have this tendency to see the negative first, I forget about the successes of these three weeks of life, and instead focused on imminent death, the things I should have, might have, could have, done to make things better for the bees.

So, back to the test results. It's good that I see my doctor every year, that I take good care of myself.  It's good to have follow up tests, and do whatever will be necessary. These are the positives, from which I can base a positive frame of reference for whatever will come next. 

I have a lot of thoughts on my mind but no time to think them.

I have constant streams of information coming at me.  I follow 115 people on Twitter, about 300 Facebook friends and all their reposts, and four email accounts.  Several meetings per week for work, plus meetings with non-profits and community groups. I even try to read daily as well.  Unfortunately, I seem to have a lot of thoughts on my mind but apparently no time to think them.

This week's post is about making time to think and a few ways I have identified how to do just that.

Reflection time

One of the things I do is to coordinate the AmeriCorps service learning program at Adams State College.  An important principle of AmeriCorps' service model is Reflection; in fact, up to 20% of a member's term of service (60 hours of a 300 hour service project, for example) can be based on thinking about what one's service means, how it fits into one's life goals, how one feels about the service.

I've also read the first few chapters of Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way (I know, I should really finish it...) and am attached to the technique of Morning Pages. I schedule an hour every morning Monday-Friday from 8-9 am for writing during my office hour, and on Sundays I write a larger weekly summary.  In the week between Christmas and New Year, I read the journal(s) of the year and write a year summary.


Outoftimeness

There are some events in life that create "outoftimeness:" death, birth, real crisis. Real drama rather than synthetic drama.  A few months ago, my ex husband's father died of a heart attack. Within hours, all of the family members were together, including surprisingly, me.  Work would wait. There were no other obligations other than to be together, for each other.

Unstructured time

I'm getting better at building unstructured time into my life. Unstructured time is agenda-less time. Tuesday of last week, my dear friend Jamie and I planned an adventure that would probably involve hot springs and would definitely involve good food, a road trip, and lots of time to talk and be.

Vacation, change of venue, change of surroundings

Unstructured time can sometimes be a part of vacation time, when we're free to explore opportunities we normally cannot because we're always on our way somewhere.  Some times I overplan my vacation time, but some times I get it just right, and I get to meet new people and actually have time to sit and talk for hours, hear new stories, see new places.

Altered consciousness through sleep deprivation, alcohol, and/or other substances

Staying up late to get into that almost dream state, where reality is fuzzy around the edges, or where I cannot remember if it really happened or I dreamt it--that is awesomeness.  Synthesis of ideas occurs.

Driving/road tripping

Road hypnosis... with music or not, with another person or not, is a great way to hear my inner voice.

Ecstasy/pleasure

Physical pleasures, eating fantastic food or otherwise, are a way to stimulate the senses and directly get one's attention.  See also outoftimeness. It can be as simple as applying your favorite lip balm and closing your eyes for a moment during a busy day to savor a memory.

Sabbatical

The seventh year... please see this Ted.com video titled "Stefan Sagmeister: 7 rules for making more happiness."

Swarm call update 5/15/2011

I just keep learning more and more.

Friday, as I was getting ready to head to Trudi's to install another hive (ready to catch the next swarm), I got a call about some "ground bees" at the Disc Golf course off North River Road.  Here is what I found:

A bunch of holes in the ground with bees crawling in and out.  Um. Well, I don't know what to do with this situation.

After a review of some websites, I decided that they were miner bees, which are not honey bees.  They are still pollinators, though, so I'm thoughtful about rescuing/protecting them.  Just not sure yet how.

The websites suggested to bring a shovel.  I should shovel the dirt into a bucket and relocate them elsewhere, where people won't be disturbed by them and call an exterminator.  However, I'm concerned that disturbing them through digging would effectively kill the bees, too, so not sure if that is the best route.

I took photos and a troubled head from the location and am still figuring out what I should do, if anything, for the miner bees.  I'm eager for suggestions, anyone!

In other news, the bees at Trudi's are settling in and look good.  I tried to capture a photo of one's translucence--I could see the golden sunset through her thorax. Didn't get the photo to turn out like I wanted.


I also put out a swarm lure in the apple tree in my backyard.  If I catch a swarm, I'll bring it out to Trudi's.

First swarm call of the season!

Fairly established swarm at Claire and Smokey Barker's house in Mosca, CO. May 8th, 2010--almost a year to the day!  It is swarming season in the San Luis Valley.

Yesterday, as I was walking down Third Avenue, a car beeped at me and pulled over.  "You're a beekeeper, right?" Yes.  Yes, I am.  "We have a swarm.  What should we do?"

Now, some context.  Alamosa has an ordinance specifically forbidding bees in the city limits.  We also spray Malathion in the city limits for Mosquito control.  According to the EPA website, "Malathion is highly toxic to insects, including beneficial insects such as honeybees."

The driver explained that the bees were along a fence in a tree.  That they had been there all afternoon.  Didn't seem to be bothering anyone.

There were a few possible outcomes.  1) The bees would swarm again and find another temporary location.  I've gone on swarm calls where the bees had disappeared by the time I assembled my equipment and got to the scene.  2) They would still be there the following morning. In the cool pre-sunrise, they would be docile and clumped together to keep warm.  We agreed to touch base in the morning.

And a third option, that I don't want to think of as an option: He could have called an exterminator.  More on that later.

I woke before sunrise but waited until 6 am to call.  Yes, indeed, they were still there.  "I'll be right over."

I brought a cardboard box, my smoker, and my bee suit and veil (not this bee suit).  My plan was that I would set the box under the branch, give it a good shake, and all the bees would tumble into the box, which I would then fold closed, stick in the beemobile, and transport to KW Organic Farms north of Alamosa.

When I arrived I discovered it would not be a simple shake of a branch.  These bees were all wrapped around branches, wire fencing, and the neighbor's fence.  The neighbor's sprinkler system was also watering at the time.  In other words, not optimal conditions. I was not going to be able to simply set my box under the branch and shake.

Before...the swarm in a lilac bush at First and Ross.

I set to work.  I started with a brush, trying to sweep them into the box.  This had limited success.  A dozen bees or so would cling to the fibers of the brush, so then I would gently untangle them and drop them into the box.  I worked up my courage and decided to just reach my hand into the mass and pull out a handful of bees.  

It was still early morning cool, which in Alamosa in May means that I could see my breath, but did not wear a coat. The bees were amazingly calm. My hands scooped the bees, and the bees grasped to me and allowed me to drop them into my box.  Handful after handful.  They got a bit more agitated, perhaps because I was starting to bug out, so I decided to talk to them. 

I introduced myself. Some beekeepers believe that bees choose their keepers, so I wanted to tell them how excellent Trudi Kretsinger and John are, how much they care about their animals and their land, how they're interested in supernutrition and taking care of the soil. How they wanted to plant things that would be best for bees. "You'd really like them." 

I acknowledged that they didn't know me, but that I really believed moving to the Kretsinger farm would be better than staying in this tree and getting sprayed with Malathion. That is was probably upsetting to be grabbed and stuck in a box, but that this wonderful farm is in the shadow of Mount Blanca, that the only other place I could think that might be more desirable for a bee would be a lavender field in Provence in August, but that this was definitely a close second.

 I called Trudi.  "Sorry to call so early, but I have a box a bees!" She asked if I'd like to join them for breakfast.  I love her.  Yes, of course, breakfast.  I arrived and met Patrick, an agronomist, and John [seed consultant?] who were breakfasting with Trudy and John and talking about what to plant.

I walked in Trudi's house dressed like this, and she said I looked "sexy."

After homemade cinnamon rolls and strong coffee, Trudi and I headed to the fields to find a nice place for the girls, along the way seeing coyotes and baby owls (not at the same time).  We decided on a place under some Russian Olive trees, near water and easily accessible by the beemobile.

After...at the Krestinger Organic Farm

I'll check back in a few days to see how they're doing.  It is quite possible they will swarm again in the next day or so.  Trudi, John and I discussed next steps...we should order some more hive equipment in the event there are more bees to be rescued and relocated.  I want to explore the possibility of Top Bar Hives. I should write an article for the Valley Courier about Bee Swarm rescue versus extermination.  

I also called the local pest control to let them know I'd be happy to give a first shot at rescuing honey bees when they get calls.  I should also call the local police departments, sheriffs office, parks and recreation, and Co-op to let them know I'm available for bee rescue/extraction.

Here to make friends

So why did I title this blog "Here to make friends"?

I saw the phrase on a t-shirt in a blog post here and here. And then Austin Kleon quoted Vonnegut: 'Kurt Vonnegut said it best: “There’s only one rule I know of: goddamn it, you’ve got to be kind.”'

Small town.  Small world.  We're all connected.  We're all in this together.  Local food.  Local Economies.  Eat local honey and pollen to help your immune system and to deal with allergies.

"Here to make friends" seems like a good approach to new situations.  I find that I dread networking at conferences, for example, but if I walk into the room thinking to myself, well, I'm here to make friends, maybe I can get through the event.

I'm here now.  :)

Thank you versus I'm sorry: no need to apologize

I don't know if this is an American cultural thing, or a gendered communication thing or what, but I hear people say "I'm sorry ..." frequently and seemingly absentmindedly.   "Sorry I'm late to this meeting." "Sorry I stepped on your foot." "Sorry I can't seem to get my act together." "Sorry I didn't do my share of the work for the project."  Can you think of more examples to add to this list?

I want to encourage people to rethink/reword the "I'm sorry" sentiment into "Thank You" sentiments.  These are my reasons why...

1) The appropriate response to Thank you is "You're welcome". It is relationship affirming.  It means you are welcome to be as you are; I welcome your participation in our friendship. We give the gift of friendship to each other over and over.  Of course you are welcome.

What is the appropriate response to "I'm sorry"? "That's ok"? Do you find yourself saying "that's ok" when it really isn't ok? While there is some social benefit to expressing apology sincerely, it is so much better to avoid hurting each other, even accidentally, right?

2) "I'm sorry" is passive aggressive. I am acknowledging that I hurt your feelings, or took more than my fair share, or de-prioritized your needs over mine, or broke a promise. And if I do it over and over, I'm setting that as the norm for our relationship. Soon I won't even have to say I'm sorry about it.  Because I'm really not sorry.  You're letting me get away with it, and I'm happy to do less work, or have more stuff for myself.

3) "I'm sorry" lends itself to self-centered thinking. I'm thinking about my situation, blah blah blah, without thinking of the rest of the context--how I got here, how it is affecting others.

4) I swear sometimes people seem to spend more time coming up with their elaborate apology than it would have taken to do the work in the first place.  I don't want them to think of me as someone who needs their apology.  I'd rather have a relationship based on a common goal, sharing resources, abating confusion, than a person not feeling like she or he can take and ask and make mistakes and be confused in a safe place.

5) "I'm sorry" is problem-focused. "Thank you" is solution-focused.

To return to the examples from the beginning (all of which I have had the opportunity to utter in the past few weeks), here are suggestions for rethinking the apologies into expressions of gratitude:
 
"Sorry I'm late to this meeting." --> "Thank you for your patience...someone stopped me in the hallway on my way here."
"Sorry I stepped on your foot." --> "Thanks for tolerating/appreciating my clumsiness as we learn this dance.  Thanks for giving me another chance."
"Sorry I can't seem to get my act together."--> "My mind's been distracted by something, and I appreciate the way you keep us focused."
"Sorry I didn't do my share of the work for the project."-->"Thanks for explaining these complex concepts again--I think I'll be able to get these updates to you by Tuesday now."
"I'm sorry for eating the delicious plums." -->"Thanks for buying the delicious plums!" (Gotta love William Carlos Williams)

Rewording these sentiments into 'thank you's also reminds me of the thing I am doing for which I normally would be apologizing (is an excuse a synonym for apology?). Now I see it, state it, and perhaps can make better choices to prevent it from happening in the future.  Am I tired because I haven't been getting enough sleep? Do I not have my work done because I am avoiding it?  Am I avoiding it because I don't understand it? Because I don't have all the resources?  With stating these concerns as thank yous, I can start to ask for additional information, clarification or resources to help me do my stuff better.

I believe we really do want to help each other.  I try to say thank you several times a day, partly because I think it is satisfying for people to have the opportunity to say 'you're welcome.' They have something to offer that I appreciate, and I acknowledged it. It also helps me to focus my gratitude on the myriad blessings and supportive people in my life.  What we focus on expands.